Autophobia
by Ixcalia
Summary: After the events of Season 1 Episode 25, the boys are back to their lives as Neets! Everything back to normal! Then why is Osomatsu acting so odd? Quieter, more reserved, and way too nice...that's got to be a reason to worry. Osomatsu's hiding a secret fear that's eating him alive.


"Osomatsu isn't the same."

It was a harsh reality that the brothers had to face, once they returned home from the invitational. Once all the excitement from that dissipated, their oldest brother just completely changed. He was quieter, rarely joining in conversations. And it wasn't as though he didn't _want_ to join in. The brothers could tell, just by watching his expressions that he wanted to join in, wanted to say something like he always did. Osomatsu's eyes would light up and his mouth would start to open, only to quickly clamp shut. Then, he would just look sad.

"Something wrong, Osomatsu-niisan?" Jyushimatsu had tried asking, but the eldest only shook his head with a thin smile and mumbled that he was just fine. There was no room to push the subject, and so they never did. There was always that hope that the problem would go away on its own. But, unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

Osomatsu barely left the house. He didn't ask for money anymore, didn't go to pachinko or out drinking at Chibita's. Whenever one of the brothers would go out, Osomatsu would follow them to the door, acting as nonchalant as possible. He'd watch them slip on their shoes, eyes following their every move as they slid the door open. "...See you when you get home." Osomatsu would say quietly, though sometimes it sounded more like a question.

There was no more teasing or taunting from the eldest either. No more jokes, no more fights, no more insults thrown around...Osomatsu just sat in their company, in his own little corner. He watched them, only occasionally laughing or grinning at something that was said or done. There were times he'd respond, but only if they talked to him directly.

Point was, Osomatsu wasn't the same brother they knew.

"Osomatsu isn't the same." Karamatsu repeated, resting his chin in the nook created by his thumb and index finger thoughtfully. "It's about time we talk about it, brothers. We need to find out the source of the problem and try to help mend our ailing brother's aching heart." Gathered around the table, there was none of the other four brothers that could disagree. But a few who were more than a little uncomfortable with the topic.

"Who put you in charge, Shittymatsu?!" Ichimatsu growled out, glaring at the second brother and gritting his teeth. He was just as worried as everyone else, constantly watching Osomatsu and planning just how he could help lure the eldest out of the shell he was stuck in. He even thought about asking Osomatsu to join him on his excursions to feed the cats. But he was too scared to ask. Scared of saying something wrong. Scared of making things worse. "You think that just because Osomatsu-niisan's not around, you can just take over…?!"

The second brother slammed his hands against the table, making everyone jump in surprise. There were times, rarely, when Karamatsu stepped into the role of a leader. In those moments, even Ichimatsu could understand the seriousness of a situation. It wasn't a time to be calling names and acting out. They had something important to discuss. Ichimatsu lowered his head a bit and mumbled a soft apology.

"I understand that this topic isn't one that any of us will enjoy. And I also understand that some of us are uncomfortable with serious discussions, like this one." Ichimatsu could practically feel the second brother's eyes burn into him. Beside him, Jyushimatsu reached out a sleeved hand and patted his head comfortingly. "But this is too serious to ignore. Something is very wrong with Osomatsu, and it clearly has to do with us."

"He was fine, during the invitational. I mean, he acted like the same, shitty brother he's always been, right?" Todomatsu pointed out. No one could disagree. Osomatsu had acted like himself, all throughout their time at the invitational without a hint of difference. "So, did something happen afterwards?"

"But Osomatsu-niisan was really excited for the invitational!" Jyushimatsu interrupted, before any of them could think further on that. "Really, really excited! Maybe he just forgot that he was feeling bad! And then, when it was over, he remembered again!"

"Very clever, my little Jyushimatsu!" The fifth brother was right, Osomatsu could've easily just been distracted by his excitement. "Then when exactly did he start acting so off, hmm?" As if any of them had to really think about it. They all knew the answer, it was just a matter of who was brave enough to begin the strenuous journey into that territory.

The brothers sat in silence for a long while, some distracting themselves. Totty moved on to look at his phone, Choromatsu flipping through a magazine, and Karamatsu examining himself in his hand mirror. It seemed they dropped the subject suddenly. But finally, Choromatsu slammed the magazine shut, making a noisy thud against the table that made the rest of them jump in surprise.

"This is stupid. We know what the problem is!" Choromatsu started, looking more than a little irritated. Ichimatsu looked away and Jyushimatsu's sleeved hand unconsciously moved to rub at his side gently. Karamatsu, too, looked away, rubbing at his fist and Todomatsu winced a little. "That shitty eldest brother's still pouting about us leaving before. Give him more time, and he'll get over it."

"It's already been a while." The youngest brother pointed out, sitting his phone down and folding his arms on the table. "And even if this is him just pouting, it's still not normal for him. Osomatsu-niisan prefers to get our attention usually, not sit in a corner by himself. And he still seems to want to be around us."

"Totty's right." Ichimatsu finally joined in the discussion, though he didn't seem to like it. He sat with his knees to his chest, his fingers digging into his pant legs. "After you all left, he wasn't himself at all. Only reason why I left too." It hurt Ichimatsu, more than he cared admit, the way the eldest brother had ignored his existence. Osomatsu didn't talk to him, didn't acknowledge him...Ichimatsu was left feeling inferior to his other brothers. It was like he just wasn't good enough to deserve Osomatsu's care and affection, like the others.

"He was angry at us all." Karamatsu murmured, his fist clenching tightly, so that his nails left little imprints in his palms. "I still don't understand what was going through his head. I don't know why he was so agitated that night. He should've been happy, it was a joyous occasion! But instead, he…"

They all remembered it clearly, the way Osomatsu suddenly lashed out at Jyushimatsu. Sure, Osomatsu could have a temper, and that often ended in wrestling matches amongst the brothers. This had been different though. This wasn't just a common disagreement between brothers, this was Osomatsu so full of some kind of emotion, that he just snapped. And it just escalated, until it was completely out of control.

"You can all say or think what you want." Choromatsu sighed, pushing himself to his feet and walking to the door. He slid it open, before pausing. "You can all analyze it as much as you want. Make excuses for him, pretend that something's really wrong. Eventually, you'll see that he's just being a brat, as usual!"

With that, the door was slid shut with force, leaving the others silent once more.

They decided to drop the topic, for now.

* * *

It was a couple of weeks later, when Choromatsu found himself unable to sleep. All of his brothers' snores were echoing around the room, leaving him to press his hands to his ears in frustration. He was so tired, why couldn't he just drift off already?! Damn his brothers and their noisy sleeping habits!

From his right, the third brother suddenly felt someone shifting, and he tensed, waiting for Osomatsu to start kicking or punching in his sleep, like he sometimes did (he was awake, Choromatsu knew it was on purpose!). There was no point in fighting the eldest, though, and Choromatsu closed his eyes tightly, resigned to his fate. How many bruises would he have by morning, he wondered irritably.

To his surprise though, he remained unharmed. Instead, Osomatsu shifted free from their comforter and slid carefully out of the futon, making sure not to bump against the sleeping brothers on either side of him. Choromatsu peeked one of his eyes open, watching Osomatsu as well as he could in the dark room.

Osomatsu stood over the futon for a moment, looking down at them. Just watching them, staring blankly. And then he moved down to where Ichimatsu was. Choromatsu used his elbows to push himself up just a little, so that he could watch. The eldest knelt down by the fourth brother's head quietly, a shaky hand reaching out.

"I'm sorry." Osomatsu whispered, so quietly, that Choromatsu barely heard him. "I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry for hurting you. You tried to talk to me a lot, right? You must've felt really lonely, after the others all left. And I just let you." That shaky hand slowly moved to pet Ichimatsu's messy hair a few times, before moving to tuck the blanket more around the sleeping brother.

Next, Osomatsu scooted over to Karamatsu. "I'm sorry, Karamatsu. For fighting with you, after what I did to Jyushimatsu. You're...you're definitely a better big brother than I am, huh?" Choromatsu frowned. Did Osomatsu's voice crack there? Osomatsu repeated his ministrations, stroking Karamatsu's hair and tucking the blanket around him. He even lifted the second brother's head a bit so that he could fix his pillow.

As soon as Osomatsu scooted more towards Todomatsu, Choromatsu quickly laid back down. He wasn't sure why he was trying to be so discreet, but it didn't feel like he should interrupt. So he just continued to watch from where he was. "I'm really sorry for giving you that black eye, Totty. You were just trying to knock some sense into me, and look what I did. It's no wonder you left."

Choromatsu felt his heart pound in his chest as Osomatsu crawled towards him. The third brother quickly shut his eyes, trying his best to fake being asleep. His breathing was uneven, his eyes were moving below his eyelids...there was no way he'd fool the eldest brother that way!

"Jyushimatsu…"

...What? Really?

"I can't say 'I'm sorry' enough. You didn't do anything to deserve what I did. That kick...I hurt you pretty bad, didn't I? I'm such a piece of shit."

Trying to get over the fact that Osomatsu just blatantly skipped over him, Choromatsu repeated those last words in his head. They were sort of true, no denying it. But it wasn't like Osomatsu to just...put himself down like that. Osomatsu was pretty confident, usually. He thought highly of himself, with that "Charisma Legend" talk, and so on. So where did this come from?

For awhile, Osomatsu didn't move. He tended to Jyushimatsu, just like he did the others, and Choromatsu expected him to go back to bed. But he wasn't done, apparently. The eldest scooted over to Choromatsu, finally. Choromatsu gulped a bit, keeping his eyes shut and listening intently. What would Osomatsu say to him?

"Choromatsu...I'm the shittiest, most worthless older brother ever. I know that. I wasn't happy for you. I didn't celebrate with you. I didn't even fucking say goodbye."

Choromatsu listened, focusing on keeping his breathing even and his eyes still beneath his eyelids. The urge to open them and say something was strong, but he resisted. "I can only imagine all the things you'd be able to do, without someone like me dragging you down. I don't deserve a brother like you. Like any of you. I'm so, so sorry Choromatsu…but I'm trying to be better, you know? Have you noticed? I haven't taken anyone's money, I've been giving you guys a lot of space, and I haven't really annoyed anyone. G-Great, right?"

Choromatsu felt himself go rigid and his face scrunched up a bit when he felt something wet drip onto his cheeks. One drop, then two, and then a few more. That and the shuddery breaths that followed were more than enough to tell Choromatsu what was happening beyond his closed eyelids.

Osomatsu was crying above him.

He was on the verge of opening his eyes and trying to offer some sort of comfort, but Osomatsu continued before he could. "H-Hey, Choromatsu? I'm a pretty selfish guy, right?" Osomatsu asked softly, his voice still a barely audible whisper. "I'm sorry, but I just can't help it. So, uh...t-think you could stick around for awhile longer…?"

Shaky hands stroked at his hair for a moment, before the blankets were situated more around him, just like with the others. And then, Choromatsu could hear Osomatsu getting to his feet and quietly moving towards the door. Chancing a peek once again, Choromatsu looked in the eldest's direction, just in time to see him turn back and glance in their direction.

"Please...please don't leave Onii-chan behind again…"

The door slid open, and then shut again, leaving Choromatsu alone with the sound of the other brothers' snoring. He blinked up at the ceiling, one of his hands reaching up to wipe the quickly drying tears from his cheeks. His brother's tears. He could see it now, the others were right. Osomatsu just wasn't the same.

Was this some form of depression? Something else? "How lonely do you get, Nii-san?" Choromatsu mumbled out loud. As expected, there was no answer. The third brother felt some sort of resolve harden inside himself.

Osomatsu needed some kind of help, that much was obvious. And he was going to get it, one way or another.

* * *

"He really said all that?"

The brothers were gathered around the table once again, Osomatsu having been forced outside by their mother to help hang their laundry. Choromatsu took the opportunity to fill the others in on the events from the night before. Everything Osomatsu said, how sad he had sounded, and his quiet plea for them not to leave again...the others listened attentively, their expressions slowly falling into something sad and a little more serious.

"Yeah. I wanted to say something to him, but it just didn't feel right." The third brother rubbed the back of his head guiltily. He never really got any sleep last night. Osomatsu was out of their room until just before the sun came up, and Choromatsu's mind was left racing the entire time. He didn't know if he should get up and try to talk to the eldest, or pretend he had just gotten up to use the bathroom, just so he could take a peek around the house. But he never came to a decision, not before Osomatsu returned.

"Perhaps that was for the best, brother. Such private confessions...I'm sure Osomatsu would've been horrified to know that you heard everything." Karamatsu reached over to rub Choromatsu's shoulder reassuringly, and Choromatsu let him. It was clear to everyone that he didn't get enough sleep and that he had some sense of guilt.

"There's a reason he's telling us while we're asleep." Todomatsu hummed, his arms crossed over his chest. "He's just scared of telling us directly. Does he think we're still mad about everything?"

"Osomatsu-niisan just doesn't like getting serious. He doesn't like that kind of mood at all." Ichimatsu explained quietly, the first thing he had said since hearing Choromatsu's recap of the night before. He wasn't entirely surprised by Osomatsu's secretive confessions. In Osomatsu's eyes, maybe it was too embarrassing to say, face to face. Or maybe he was just afraid of the reactions he'd get.

"So, what do we do now?" Jyushimatsu asked the question on all of their minds, sleeved hand pressed to his closed mouth thoughtfully. None of them had an answer for him.

They sat in silence, contemplating their options. They couldn't be sure how serious the situation was or how they should treat it. What could any of them do to help Osomatsu through this? _Was_ there anything they could do to help him? If it ran so deep, then maybe professional help would be in order? If that were the case, though, getting Osomatsu to get professional help would be another chore in itself. That would require money and an eldest brother, willing to go and talk.

But then, maybe...Choromatsu blinked, humming quietly, which drew the other brothers' attention to him.

"I think I have an idea. But if we want to really help Osomatsu-niisan, it's going to take some work."

* * *

Three months. It had taken them nearly three months to accomplish what needed to be done, all while keeping a close eye on the eldest brother. In that time, very little improvement was made; if anything Osomatsu had only become more reserved. During their own outings, each brother would occasionally invite the red-clad Matsu along, which made Osomatsu so obviously happy. But maybe those invitations just made the eldest believe that his personal changes were working.

That wasn't going to matter, though. Not for much longer. Choromatsu stared at the key, lying innocently in his palm. The others stared at it too, with some apprehension and a little excitement. But mostly, with some hope. If this was the start of helping their eldest brother heal, then it was worth it.

"Hey...is this really gonna work?" Ichimatsu broke the silence first, finally looking up from the key to face Choromatsu. They had all agreed to this and put in the effort, so maybe it was a little late to question it. But the fourth brother couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive, for more than one reason.

"You said things were going well on your end, right? You're not going to back out now, are you?" The third brother looked tense, closing his fingers around the key. "This is for Osomatsu-niisan's own good. It's going to work."

"Choromatsu-niisan's right." Todomatsu agreed, keeping his voice confident. If he was being honest, Osomatsu's change didn't worry him _too_ much before. But the more he hung around him, the more he paid attention to him, the more damage he could see. The dark circles under Osomatsu's eyes, the way his smile just wasn't as bright as it used to be, and most notably, his silence. Todomatsu wanted nothing more than to see his brother back to his old self.

Ichimatsu lowered his gaze again, nodding slightly. Of course he wasn't going to back out, not now. He was just concerned, that was all. Jyushimatsu reached over to rub his back reassuringly, his free, sleeved hand pressed to his mouth. Just from that touch, Ichimatsu could feel his little brother's insecurities too, and he glanced over towards him. Usual blank stare and usual wide smile. Nothing that would betray how he really felt. But Ichimatsu understood.

"Mom sent Osomatsu out to get groceries. We should take this time to go talk to mom and dad, and let them know what we're planning. And tomorrow, we'll talk to Osomatsu." Karamatsu pushed himself up off the floor, the others following his lead. With Osomatsu out of the house, it would give them time to talk to their parents about what they were planning, as well as give them time to adjust to the idea before Osomatsu got home. They couldn't have any misunderstandings, before talking to Osomatsu tomorrow.

They filed out of the room and down the stairs, one by one. They could hear Matsuyo in the kitchen, probably doing dishes if the running water was any indication. And in the living room, they could hear the rustling of a newspaper, giving away Matsuzo's presence. Rubbing his neck nervously, Karamatsu peeked into the kitchen, clearing his throat softly.

"Can you spare a moment of your precious time, my dear mommy?" Karamatsu asked, trying to put on his usual facade, but there was a certain meekness in his voice that drew Matsuyo's attention. She knew her boys well, and that slight nervousness in the second born's voice was more than enough to worry her.

Matsuyo grabbed a cloth to dry her hands, looking at Karamatsu with some concern, already assuming the worst. Aside from his tone, it was rare for Karamatsu to ask anything too serious. Snacks or money, yes. But not in this sort of tone. "Is everything okay, Karamatsu? Are _you_ okay?"

"Of course! Please, do not worry for me!" Karamatsu gave her a sincere smile, walking over and helping her untie her white apron. "It's just that we have something to talk to you about, and it'd be easier if we could tell you and daddy at the same time." Matsuyo hummed in understanding, pulling her apron off and hanging it neatly for later. She didn't feel entirely reassured yet, but it did ease her worries a little.

The others were already in the living room, trying to get Matsuzo's attention away from his newspaper, but of course their father tended to be stubborn. Good thing a few of the brothers got the same stubbornness from him. "I worked overtime this week, and the only thing I ask for is to read my newspaper in peace on my day off!"

"The newspaper will be there when we're done talking! Honestly, is it that hard to talk to your kids?" Todomatsu puffed out his cheeks in annoyance. Of course, their father never meant any harm. To him, moments like these were some kind of weird bonding moments.

"But the next race is coming up soon. Making my picks takes a lot of time!"

"Matsuzo, just let them talk. Then you can get back to your paper." Matsuyo huffed, snatching the paper out of her husband's hands, much to his annoyance. But he listened, turning his attention to his five sons. Matsuyo settled down beside him. "Alright boys, what's this about?"

The brothers glanced between each other, willing one another to say something. But, somehow, the words just couldn't seem to form. They were nervous and a little excited, but there was so much to explain right now. Where should they even start?

Finally, Choromatsu took a deep breath. "We wanted to tell you that we've all gotten jobs!" Choromatsu blurted out with a deep exhale of breath.

"Jobs…? All of you? Ahaha, that's great news! Finally, you're becoming working men!"

"Oh, my boys! I hope this won't turn out like last time. You won't be quitting again, will you?"

"N-No, not this time!" Karamatsu reassured, with a nervous smile. Their father seemed happy enough, but their mother's lack of confidence was a little disheartening. Well deserved, but still disheartening. "Actually, we'll only be working part time for now. We thought it'd be a little easier on all of us."

"But everything is pretty far out of the way." Ichimatsu explained quietly. It wasn't a lie, though they sort of purposely set it up that way. "We won't be able to stay here. We have to move out."

"Oh." Matsuyo's smile wavered, her eyes stinging a little. Of course she was proud of her boys! So very proud that they were taking initiative, finally, and getting jobs. As their mother, though, it always hurt a little to have her boys leave. And after the way things went last time, she couldn't help but worry.

"Don't worry, don't worry! We're all moving into an apartment together! It's all ready for us to move into whenever!" Jyushimatsu, of course, was quick to reassure his mother when he noticed the way her smile started to fall. He bounced over, holding her hands in his sleeved-covered ones, beaming. "With all of us working, it's a game winning homerun! Really cheap, but big enough too!"

"Choromatsu-niisan worked it all out. Even just working part time, the five of us make enough to cover all the costs and still have money leftover. And if we need a little extra, a few of us can pick up some extra shifts." Todomatsu explained further, smiling a little. For once, he was proud of his brothers, as well as himself.

"Sounds like you've all really thought this through. I'm glad!" Matsuzo chuckled, looking the perfect picture of a proud father. "Of course, if you need help with anything, we'll see what we can do. But it sounds like you've already got everything covered!"

"We're proud of you all." Matsuyo smiled, gently petting Jyushimatsu's head, making the fifth brother smile wider than usual, his eyes closing in contentment. "If things don't work out, you know you can always come home. Just try not to quit your jobs this time." She teased, looking over them. They seemed relieved and hummed in agreement. But looking over them, she couldn't help but frown a little. One, two three, four, five...blue, green, purple, yellow, and pink. One brother missing. "Wait, boys, what about Osomatsu?"

"Well, that's-"

"No one told me..."

The five younger brothers froze, eyes wide and smiles dropping. Their heads turned in sync, staring at their eldest brother who stood in the doorway. No one heard him come in, _they didn't hear him_. And God, that look in his eyes as he slowly met each of their gazes. It wasn't like last time. Maybe there was some anger in that gaze, but mostly, there was hurt. _Betrayal_.

"O-Osomatsu-niisan…" Choromatsu felt a lump form in his throat, his mind pulling him in a hundred different directions. How could he diffuse the situation? How could he reassure his oldest brother? What could he say to get rid of that devastated look in Osomatsu's eyes. "Why did you come home already?"

Shit, no! That sounded so cold, he didn't mean for it to come out like that! In fact, that's not what he wanted to say at all! Choromatsu felt his heart drop when Osomatsu flinched a little, bowing his head to stare at the floor instead. "I...I forgot to grab my wallet, so I came back to get it. Sorry."

Karamatsu stepped forward, reaching a hand out to the eldest, but stopped when Osomatsu took a deep, shaky breath. "S-So, uh...an apartment, huh? Just the...five of you…?"

"Osomatsu-niisan, it's not like that." Todomatsu reassured softly, keeping back for now. He didn't forget Osomatsu's angry outlash the last time, and even if there didn't seem to be any anger, he didn't want to risk getting a good hit to the jaw. But at the same time, he wanted nothing more than to cling to their shitty eldest brother and give him all the reassurances he needed to hear.

"And jobs too? Wow...that had to take awhile. H-How long were you planning this…? D-Didn't tell Onii-chan at all, hah...aha…" The way Osomatsu's voice cracked and shook, the way he was so obviously trying to hold back tears, it made Ichimatsu want to curl up and die. This wasn't the plan, everything was falling apart. Didn't they just make things worse?

"Please listen, Osomatsu-niisan!" Jyushimatsu whimpered a little, his sleeved hands hovering over his mouth. He didn't like this, it was making him feel icky. But it wasn't Osomatsu's fault. He just needed to calm down, and then they could explain! "I-It's not like that at all! So, please let us explain!"

"I think I've heard enough." Osomatsu silenced them, his shaking hands sliding into the pockets of his parka. "I'll, uh...go get the groceries now. I might b-be a little late getting home...s-sorry…" He didn't give them a chance to respond or stop him, before he was out the door.

"Osomatsu-niisan…" Choromatsu mumbled under his breath, as if willing the eldest to return. But of course Osomatsu didn't return. They were trying to help, _they just wanted to help_! Instead, they made things that much worse! With Osomatsu's fragile state, of course he assumed the worst. He assumed they were leaving him. Abandoning him. In his mind, this was probably a plan set up by his younger brothers, just to get away from him. That was the complete opposite of what they were trying to accomplish!

The sudden silence in the room was deafening, the brothers looking down in shame and concern as their parents stared at them expectantly, waiting for answers. "You didn't even tell him you were planning to leave?" Matsuyo finally asked, breaking the tense silence. The brothers flinched, each of them trying to hide their faces from their prying mother. When it was put like that, it sounded cruel. They felt absolutely despicable.

"It's difficult to explain, but we assure you, that was never our intention!" It sounded like he was just being defensive, Karamatsu knew, but what else could he say. They never meant to hurt Osomatsu.

"Then explain what's going on. Why didn't you...where are you going? Choromatsu!" Everyone followed the third brother with their eyes, as he got to his feet and left the room, heading towards the front door. "Choromatsu, I'm talking to you! I want you to explain what's going on!" Matsuyo called, her voice firm. Usually, that was enough to bring any of her boys running. But not this time.

"We can discuss it when Osomatsu-niisan's home to hear about it." Choromatsu called back, sliding his shoes on. Normally, he wasn't one to just brush their mother or father off. But in this case, it felt like he had to. He felt like he had to go after his older brother. "I'm going to bring Osomatsu-niisan back home. I'll be back when I can." The door slid shut with a soft thud as he left, leaving everyone in silence once again.

* * *

Osomatsu walked aimlessly. How many hours had he been out, how long had he been walking? Who knew, who cared? The sun had set a long time ago, leaving him to roam the darkened streets, the street lamps his only company. Most people were already home, leaving the streets pretty much deserted. Not that he blamed them for retiring early, it was pretty chilly without the sun's glow to warm the air. Sure, he could escape the cold, go into one of the bars, but it'd be pointless. He never grabbed his wallet from the house.

Everything seemed pointless, anyway. He didn't feel a need to find warmth or to seek company. The gurgling in his stomach, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since that morning was somehow easily ignored. His dry, scratchy throat was brushed off. It didn't matter. _Nothing mattered_. No matter how absolutely excruciating the pain of his heart shattering into pieces was, it didn't matter.

His brothers were leaving. Together. Without him. And they _planned_ it. Just how much did they hate him? Why did they bother spending any time with him, over the last few months? To get his hopes up, and then crush them? Why…? Why?!

Osomatsu's feet stopped on their own accord, giving him a chance to look at his surroundings. An old, abandoned apartment building loomed over him, the five story building pretty well boarded up, after years of abandonment. But this wasn't the first time Osomatsu had seen it, not at all. He visited frequently as of late, going up to the roof, just to look out at the city and think. But this time felt different. This time _was_ different.

Well then, his mind was made up.

Taking a shaky breath, Osomatsu walked over to the old, rusty fire escape at the side of the building. It led up to the fifth floor, where a window was conveniently open. He had wondered, more than once, how that window had been opened or why. No doubt other people had found their way to this building before. Probably kids, looking for a place to hang out.

It took no time to get up to the window and climb through, or to find the door that led to the roof. The heavy door creaked open eerily, a contrast to the silence the night offered. The empty roof greeted Osomatsu, and for once, that lonely sight was more than welcome. Taking a deep breath of the fresh, night air, Osomatsu let his feet take the lead. They had gotten him this far. No turning back now.

A rusty, chain link fence surrounded the roof, probably meant to keep any tragic accidents from happening. But right now, it was in his way. Chewing on his lip, Osomatsu kicked his shoes off and walked over the the old fence, gripping the rough metal firmly, before hoisting himself up. It was a little easier to climb without his shoes, at least. With little effort, he was up and over, standing on what little bit of a ledge was left, though his hands kept their grip on the fence.

This was nobody's fault, but his own. Everything that led to this point was his fault. Of course his brothers wanted to leave without him, who could blame them? Tears welled up in his eyes, before spilling over. He was a shitty older brother, and he had taken each of his younger brothers for granted. There was no making up for years of taking advantage and mistreatment, though Osomatsu had honestly tried his best.

And of course they wouldn't tell him they were planning to leave. After last time, they were probably too scared to. Osomatsu had hurt them. He single handedly chased all of them out, because of his reaction. There was no forgetting or forgiving what he did. Why couldn't he just be happy for them? Why couldn't he be _proud_?

The loneliness that was left behind, once his brothers had left the first time, was excruciating. It was his punishment, Osomatsu had told himself, so he accepted. Maybe he deserved to be alone after all, maybe it was fitting. But before he knew it, the pain just dug too deep. The constant silence...he was left with himself, something he never realized was so dangerous. The way his thoughts _whispered_ to him, such cruel insults and truths...he couldn't even stand to sleep anymore.

And once his brothers came back, it wasn't made any better. Well, at first, things felt normal. With the invitational and their usual antics, it felt like nothing had ever changed. But once that was over, reality came crashing down again. Now that there was, once again, nothing keeping them there, his brothers would start looking for work again. They would leave again. And worst of all, those whispers were _still there_.

 _You're not worth staying for._

 _You're a burden._

 _A failure like you will only drag them down._

 _One day, they'll walk out that door, and you'll never see them again._

 _They hate you. Everyone hates you. Go die already._

Sometimes, the whispers sounded like his brothers. On those days, Osomatsu just wanted to curl up and cry. He couldn't even try to describe how miserable he felt, when he first heard Choromatsu's voice scream at him. _"I hate you! I hate you, you worthless eldest brother!"_

A slow breeze blew by, the cold wind stinging Osomatsu's damp face and bringing him back to reality. His breathing was shaky from the sobs that wracked his body, face red with emotion and tears. His blurry gaze slowly turned downward, looking to the empty streets below. All he had to do was let go of the fence and take one step forward. One step is all it would take.

"Y-You...you guys are gonna do g-good…" Osomatsu mumbled to himself, his breathing becoming slightly erratic. The ground below was beckoning him, urging him to take that step. "You'll a-all b-be okay...w-without Onii-chan…" If they even noticed him missing, that voice whispered, reminding him. A sob made him shake, his head bowing in defeat.

A small tug at his parka drew his attention. Wide eyed, Osomatsu twisted his head to look behind him, his breath catching in his throat as he met Choromatsu's distressed, teary gaze. The third brother was gripping at the material of his parka as best he could through the fence, his knuckles white with the strength of his grip. His lips quivered and he was clearly trying to fight back tears; Osomatsu felt his heart break even more, if it was possible. That look on his little brother's face...it was his fault.

"You...you weren't supposed be h-here." It was really the only thing Osomatsu could think to say. He wanted to go without a commotion and without causing any further issues for his brothers. But here Choromatsu was, about to see his oldest brother die. Osomatsu didn't want that for him, but it was too late to turn back. He was gonna put an end to everything right now. "L-Let go of me Choromatsu."

"Like hell I will!" Choromatsu snapped shakily, trying to get a better hold on his brother's parka. "What are you doing? What are you _thinking_? C-Climb back over!" He demanded, tears spilling down his cheeks. He knew exactly what Osomatsu was trying to do, there was no other possibilities. But his mind just couldn't seem to process it.

"I'm not climbing back over, Choromatsu." Osomatsu somehow managed to steady his voice, even as tears continued to fall. "Just let go and go home. Don't you have to get ready to move out?" The words sounded bitter, he couldn't help it. Even if he knew he was the only one to blame for his brothers leaving without him, he couldn't help but still feel hurt.

"T-That...can't you give me a chance to explain?" The third brother ground his teeth, tugging on his brother's parka hard. The fence rattled noisily as Osomatsu's back made contact with it, leaning into it against his will. "I just need you to listen!"

"I've already heard enough!" Osomatsu snapped, but he didn't really struggle against his brother's hold. "You guys are leaving, all together. You got jobs and an apartment together. And you kept it a secret from me the entire time...not that I blame you. Sorry I ruined the secret."

"Osomatsu-niisan, you don't understand-"

"No, _you_ don't understand Choromatsu!" Osomatsu could feel himself starting to unravel again, but he held back the sobs as best he could for now. "Y-You have no idea...how much it hurts, getting left behind like this! Or how lonely it is, sitting in a room by yourself, because you're hoping someone will at least visit, and you don't want to miss them if they do! But then, of course no one would come to visit, because I'm just a shitty brother that everyone's better off without!"

Osomatsu bowed his head, a shaky sob finally cutting him off. Choromatsu's hands shook, but his grip was still just as firm. Why wouldn't he just let go? "C-Choromatsu...please, just...I would rather be dead, than deal with that kind of loneliness again...s-so please just let go…" His voice shook, sounding so defeated. Choromatsu felt his heart ache painfully.

"T-That wasn't the plan at all, you stupid older brother!" Choromatsu couldn't help but cry, clinging desperately to Osomatsu through the fence. He had no idea that Osomatsu hurt this much and the guilt he felt for leaving Osomatsu before was building. It made him feel sick. "We w-wanted you to come with us…!" He admitted, sobbing shakily. "I-I knew something w-was wrong! I heard you one night! B-But I...I didn't know it was this bad!"

Osomatsu shifted slightly, turning his head a little to look towards Choromatsu. His gaze looked so sad and unsure, which only made Choromatsu's sobs become more erratic. Osomatsu was like this because of him, he took full responsibility! Because he didn't pay enough attention and because he left without thinking of how it would affect the others! He never expected them to leave too. He didn't expect Osomatsu to be left entirely alone.

"I t-thought I was doing the right thing this time...O-Osomatsu-niisan…" Choromatsu gasped out between sobs, shaking his head desperately. This was stupid. He was stupid. "When I h-heard you that night, I knew you...I knew you needed help…! But you would never go on your own, s-so we needed a way to get you there…"

"You...you heard all that?" Osomatsu asked, a look of disbelief on his face. No, no, no! He never wanted them to actually _hear_ any of that! His thoughts, his problems...talking to his brothers while they slept was his way of self-comfort. His way of getting some guilt off his chest without burdening them with how he really felt. That, and he wasn't nearly brave enough to apologize to them face-to-face. "You weren't supposed to. Is that why…?"

"No, just listen!" Choromatsu tugged on his brother's parka, the fence rattling against the wait that was forced to settle against it. "T-This was all my fault, Osomatsu-niisan…" He hiccupped, pressing his forehead against the fence. "I thought...I-I thought that we could make an agreement. We had every intention to bring you with us, Nii-san! _If_ you agreed to go get help!"

"What are you-"

"You're depressed, Osomatsu!" Choromatsu cut Osomatsu off before he could continue any further. Before his already broken mind could twist his words to be any worse. "Look at you, look where you are right now! This is depression! And…" The third brother trailed off, thinking his next words over carefully. He couldn't risk saying the wrong thing to his fragile eldest brother. "This loneliness thing...you're really afraid, aren't you?"

"...It's pathetic, right?" Osomatsu rasped out, lowering his head to stare at the ground below. The streets were basically deserted, this was his perfect opportunity. And yet, he still stalled. "When you all left...do you have any idea how quiet it was? Somehow, it was like...it felt like I was under water. It was hard to even breathe, Choromatsu. And all the voices…!" Fresh tears filled his eyes, his head shaking desperately as he tried to force the memories from his mind. "I don't hear them as loud when you're all here! I don't want to hear them anymore!"

"You won't." Choromatsu's voice sounded so determined, it made Osomatsu turn to look at the younger brother. Choromatsu met his watery gaze with one of his own, though his eyes narrowed stubbornly. "Osomatsu, you won't hear them anymore, I _swear_ to you. You can get help for that, and we're all gonna be with you every step of the way! We've already agreed to that, me and the others...we just need you to do the same!"

Osomatsu inhaled shakily, one hand reaching up to try and stop the constant flow of tears. "I-I...I don't wanna die, Choromatsu...but I don't want to hurt like this anymore!" Osomatsu practically wailed, his grip on the fence tightening. "Please promise me! P-Promise you won't l-leave me behind again!"

The amount of desperation and agony in Osomatsu's voice made Choromatsu's heart throb painfully. How could they not have noticed this suffering in their eldest brother earlier? "I promise, Nii-san. I promise, we're never going to leave you again. We'll be by your side, until you're completely sick of us. And even then, we won't leave."

Osomatsu let out a choked laugh, before sniffling. Ever so slowly, he adjusted his footing, finally turning to fully face his younger brother. Choromatsu couldn't keep a relieved smile from his face, and Osomatsu very slightly returned it. "So, uh...about that help then…?"

"We'll talk about all that, once you're back on _this_ side of the fence." Choromatsu sighed, finally releasing his grip on his eldest brother. He couldn't help but hold his breath, watching Osomatsu climb back over, that old fence wobbling dangerously.

As soon as Osomatsu was safely standing back in front of him, Choromatsu felt an overwhelming relief flood through him. Biting his lip hard, he threw his arms around his older brother, hugging him as tightly as he could, tears flooding his eyes again. "Y-You scared the shit out of me, you stupid eldest…!" Choromatsu sobbed. Reality was crashing down hard; Osomatsu was going to actually kill himself, and he had somehow talked him down! "We...we love you, you know that, you idiot!"

Osomatsu seemed surprised by the sudden contact, but it was more than welcome. It was so comforting, so relieving. Osomatsu was always a more physically affectionate person, and he had deprived himself of that these last months in an attempt to keep his brothers happy, to keep them around. A choked cry caught in his throat, as he returned his younger brother's embrace, his face burying into the crook of Choromatsu's neck.

"I'm sorry!"

Choromatsu took a shaky breath, rubbing Osomatsu's back comfortingly, even as he cried his own tears. This was the start of Osomatsu's healing; their healing. They would move into their new home, together. They would get Osomatsu the help he needed, _together_.

Osomatsu was _never_ going to feel that loneliness again. Choromatsu would make damn sure of it.


End file.
